Ragù bolognese (the realest deal)

1. ***Serve with one of the following: a wooden spoon, lasagne (see other recipe) or long, flat, 1 cm+ wide egg pasta (tagliatelle is most traditional but pappardelle will do). Penne will do if you absolutely cannot find long egg pasta. Do not, under any circumstances, combine with spaghetti, on pain of great smiting and instant death by Saint Petronius****

2. Mince the onion, carrot, and celery very fine. Very fine. You can use a food processor if you want.

3. Put the lard in a large, heavy-bottomed stockpot over a medium flame and allow it to soften.

4. Add the minced vegetables to the lard and brown them over a medium-high flame, stirring to keep them from burning.

5. Lower the flame and let them stew for about twenty minutes to half an hour until they're well cooked. Here the rule applies that "La cónza la s fà col nès", or rather, "Ragù is prepared with the nose." Once you can no longer distinguish the various odors of the vegetables, it is ready.

6. Spread the mix over the bottom of the pot. Add the ground meat, salt, and pepper, and sautée it over a high flame until the color of the meat matches the color of the mix.

7. Add the wine and keep mixing until the alcohol evaporates and the wine odor no longer distinguishes itself from the rest. (The nose thing again) (I have been known to combine whiskey and balsamic vinegar as a substitute in a pinch)

8. The trick is to use the tomato as a seasoning. Add about two thirds of the tomato puree and mix. Let it simmer over a medium-low flame and come back in about twenty minutes. Taste the ragù, and if it is too meaty, add more tomato puree. Repeat until the right balance of tomato and meat is reached. (Keep some tomato paste on hand and add it in case the tomato puree is making it too watery but it still needs more tomato flavor.)

9. At this point the ragù should simmer over a very low flame at least 2 hours, but the longer the better. You can go away and come back and check on it--make sure it doesn't burn on the bottom. Add water or broth if it becomes too dry.

10. Serve with LONG EGG PASTA OR WORST CASE SCENARIO WITH PENNE.***

11. ***(seriously, though, it is a somewhat oily and crumbly sauce -- the egg pasta more absorbent and the ragu will cling to each noodle, providing the optimum eating experience. Spaghetti is harder and the ragu will just run off, so you'll end up eating oily ragu-flavored spaghetti with a pile of ragu left on the bottom of your plate.)